t-r-u-s-t

then abraham waited patiently and he received what god had promised.

hebrews 6:15

i've been mulling over this verse for the past few weeks. it's propped up on my nightstand so i can read it whenever my eye happens to catch it. i noticed tonite as i read it that i'm not sure if i've been really getting what it says. i've been reading it and telling myself, 'be patient and wait on the lord for your hearts desire', but that's in actuality not the message. because gods promises are true, they're real, they're for my good, not to harm me, but to continue the good work he started in me.

what the verse doesn't say is, "then abraham waited patiently and he received what god knew he wanted and because he's good and true would therefore give to him". nuh uhh. that's not the message.

how often do i read my bible, gleaning and glancing and skimming for the words i want to hear?

when i wait patiently, i receive what god has for me. not what i think is good for me. not what i have planned for myself.

cause god knows what is best. he is trustworthy.

the question is, then, do i trust him?

insomniatic idiosyncrasy

it's almost 2 am. i can't sleep. obviously. i'm like the queen of rhetorical statements. i think that's a paradox. since i'm devoid of slumber i'm slightly ridiculous. but that's okay. someone who's also ridiculous but in the best way possible and in a way i'd like to be: Charles Haddon Spurgeon. that guy is a dude and a half. here's an excerpt from his autobiographical works i've been mulling over as late:

~
finally, i bear my witness that he is full of truth. true have his promises been; not one has failed. i have often doubted him - for that i blush. he has never failed me; in this i must rejoice. his promises have been yea and amen. i do but speak the testimony of every believer in christ, though i put it thus personally to make it the more forcible. i bear witness that never servant had such a master as i have; never a brother had such a kinsman as he has been to me; never a spouse had such a husband as christ has been to my soul; never a sinner a better savior; never a solider a better captain; never a mourner a better comforter than christ has been to my spirit. i want none beside him. in life, he is my life, and in death, he shall be the death of death. in poverty, christ is my riches. in sickness, he makes my bed. in darkness, he is my star. and in brightness, he is my sun. by faith i understand that the blessed son of god redeemed my soul with his own heart's blood, and by sweet experience i know that he raised me up from the pit of dark despair and set my feet on the rock. he died for me. this is the root of every satisfaction i have. he put all my transgressions away. he cleansed me with his precious blood; he covered me with his perfect righteousness; he wrapped me up in his own virtues. he has promised to keep me, while i abide in this world, from its temptations and snares. and when i depart from this world, he has already prepared for me a mansion in the heaven of unfading bliss, and a crown of everlasting joy that shall never, never fade away. to me, then, the days or years of my mortal sojourn on this earth are of little moment. nor is the manner of my decease of much consequence. should foemen sentence me to martyrdom or physicians declare that i must soon depart this life, it is all alike.

what more can i wish than that, while my brief term on earth shall last, i should be the servant of him who became the servant of servants for me?
~

what a guy, what a guy. i want to desire and know my lord with the same vehemence of that of the brother spurgeon.

waking up

well now, more than 2 months later. i'm back. a few things have changed. school's done (praise the lord), i've increased a number on the year counter (yep, had a bday) and i was MIA from the blogging world for a while... (among many other things).

i think i'm probably blogging today because i woke up today. not literally. i mean, ya, literally. i've been getting up every morning since march 4th (that's the last day i blogged). but today was a different kind of wake up. one of those ones akin to an epiphany whereby it's not the literal opening of the eyes after a night of slumber, but the wakening of the heart (soul?) to a realization.

really, i have been waking up each day - but i've been terribly off course as of late in my rising. see, tonite i was reminded of the basics of life. really, the one basic. the only one that matters. the basic question of "who am i living for today?"... out of that one flows a myriad of questions: is the purpose of my life today for the glory of god or the worship of self? am i going to use today to further the gospel in my life and in the life of others? am i living out of the humble, confident, joy that the gospel graciously allows me to?

we talked about the gospel: what is it? what does it mean? such basic questions. such profound applications. if the fact that jesus came, lived a perfect life - the life we were supposed to live - and did so without sin, then not only died on the cross but rose again, enduring complete separation from the one source of goodness we have on earth in our Father God, and then defeated that sin for us by rising from the dead... if that fact impacts my mind, heart and hands on a daily level... everything changes.

so i've been waking up lately, but the gospel has not been the focus of my heart. in compete honesty... ... my heart has been focused on what Chelsa wants. what's my life lacking? why don't i have it? where am i going to get it? how can i manipulate this situation? this is starting to look a lot like my last posting where by the dog gave me an illustration of the selfishness of my life... guess i just didn't quite get it.

i've been off in left field pursuing the world, so distracted from the one thing worth living for - the one thing that will completely satisfy and answer the questions of my heart.

while today has been hard, full of tears and questions, i'm so thankful that something in me broke. that i woke up after months of thinking i'm fine. here it is again... i'm not!

i am increasingly discovering and realizing the depths of my sinfulness; but as i see this in myself i am also increasing in my realization of how great God's holiness is. and that's the gospel - filling in the gap is the grace that jesus' death provides. he is SO faithful. he is SO good. he never gets too busy to love us. he never stops being full of grace. he is always GOD.

my faith is something i cannot take credit for. it's a gift. so glad i woke up today.

i know how i'm going to choose to wake up tomorrow.

lessons from the pooch

the dog and i have been spending a lot of time together lately. it's mainly because i'm her sole caregiver in the absence of my parents, rather than because i have some increased affinity for the beast. i don't. she drives me crazy in so many ways. i would choose the cat over the dog any day, without hesitation! yes, the cat is a diva, but she's incredibly more self sufficient.

i decided it would be good for both the dog and i if we went for a few walks/runs in the absence of her regular walk with my mom. when i got home from school on monday, tia was there, waiting with great anticipation as usual. i think this is the part where most people get warm fuzzies towards man's best friend. for me, it begins the "no bark" game as the great pooch won't shut up! it doesn't even matter that we're not even really friends, she can't hold herself back!

so the dog begins the usual charade: whining, hollering, howling, moaning, barking, baying... u name it. the pathetic pooch is making a scene and a half. just because someone arrived home and her long list of needs were about to be met. it's almost as though i could hear her brain flitting back and forth between thoughts... through her barking, this is what i heard:

ME ME ME ME ME ME!!
pay attention to me!
look at me!
touch me!
pet me!
i wanna walk!
i want a treat!
when are we going for a walk?
pet me!
love me!
ME ME ME ME ME!!

i rolled my eyes and desperately wished i could just tell her to shut up and hold on for 2 seconds... a walk was just around the corner with all the needed amenities - bathroom break, treats, pets, etc. how could it get that through to her thick, doggy-brained skull?

and then it struck me.

i'm just like the dog.

how often am i pleading with god... please Lord, take this from me? when is this going to happen? when will this change? why is this, that or the other thing happening? can't you just DO something? i want to be here... i want to be there. ME ME ME ME ME!!!

YIKES - i'm just like the dog!!!

god knows what's around the corner for my life. and it's for my good. and his glory.

the parallel just about ends there. in no way, shape or form could this analogy cover the DEPTH and BREADTH of what god has for us... nor the scope of his goodness. i walked the dog out of a sense of duty. god loves us because he made us, he delights in us, we're his children and his plans for us are good. thank jesus for his redeeming work on the cross and the perspective his life gives ours; this whole joy in the circumstances thing is really kicking me in the butt this year!

the dog's whining again... i guess it's time for another walk. :D

lessons from the dancin' guy

if you haven't seen this video on how to create momentum in leadership... you should probably watch this!

go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW8amMCVAJQ

you will not be disappointed!

sista got hitched!

i just got home from 9 glorious days in columbus, ohio. GOOD TIMES! the reason i was there was my little sister got married. i guess she's not so little anymore since she's married and therefore has to grow up. i'm sure she's loving it though. the wedding was one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. the sweetest part was that i left feeling encouraged in my faith and like i want to pursue christ with an intensity that i haven't yet before. there are so many things i could say, but i'll just leave it at that and post a few pics. i sure wish i'd taken more!!

i'll never look at bread the same again

today i embarked on a new adventure. well really, it's an old adventure in a new suit. it's that delightful thing those of us consumed with study, paying awfully high amounts of cash to people who don't know how to teach (unless they're education profs, and then they have it down to a science... supplemented with journalling)... and i do believe that tangent proves just that point i'm trying to get at... if i could stop getting distracted... the cat just walked by so i took a few minutes to pet her and now, 45 minutes later, i'm back to the sentence. what is it with students in refining the fine art of delaying the inevitable until the absolute last possible moment, whereby it becomes an emergency that all else in life must stop for?? so i baked some bread today. and i made a bunch of other healthy food for the week... i'm kind of on a whole foods kick, but i'm not going all out into the whole foods world. i've spent wayyy too many years being an all or nothing person, in too many areas of my life - some of which has turned positive results, most of which has served to further confuddle my brain, which is an conundrum unto itself. so i figured that if i went all or nothing on the thinking of being all or nothing that would just negate itself and i'd end up a square one with a whole bunch of wasted time and energy. speaking of time and energy, i baked some bread today. and mmmm, it was gooood. here's a picture of the delightful loaves themselves. the smell in the house was INCREDIBLE. so ya, i procrastinate. but the bread was good!

check out the golden loaves for yourself: