looking back/looking fwd

a few weeks ago my pastor asked me to write a few words for our church website about what god's been doing in my life this past year. i thought i'd pass it on as a bit of a summary... the tip of the iceberg, if you would!
feel free to check out the church website to see what else is going on!
www.compassregina.com
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I wasn't sure what life would be like upon returning to Regina. I had been overseas working for Athletes in Action for two years after living in the Queen City my entire life. I knew I had been called back, but to what I wasn't sure.

I had started listening to podcasts while living in Prague, namely by John Piper, Mark Driscoll and Matt Chandler. January of 2009 I started to regularly take in sermons by these pastors; I encountered a new kind of Christianity I had never experienced nor heard of before. I began to pursue reading theology and studying my faith for myself. I began to press into the scriptures and God began to work major changes in my heart. I had no idea that those changes were preparing me for something else very exciting at home.

My sister started attending an Acts 29 church plant in Columbus, OH. Acts 29 is the network started by Mark Driscoll and the staff at Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA. Through that network she found out about a church plant happening in Regina. I was thrilled. At the same time I didn't know what to expect. Through the webpage, I emailed a guy I didn't know who was starting the church, and showed up at his house for bible study a few weeks later.

On September 13, 2009, we had our first official service as a church - the Compass. Since that day my learning has been substantial. Each Sunday at church I hear truth preached in a purposeful way. It has been said that soft words make for a hard heart, and hard words make for a soft heart. I can definitely attest to this. While it has been my experience in the past that churches are often afraid of, or shy away from, talking about tough subjects, at the Compass the truth is preached regardless of your comfort. It's refreshing. My life is changing because my heart is changing. I can look back a month ago and see ways that my thinking, my heart and my life have changed to more reflect what I'm seeking to pursue in having Christ as first in my life.

I am being challenged to live out of a worldview centred on the cross and not on myself. To put first things first means to put Jesus first. I am learning that community takes work and effort and that God has called us to sacrifice for church. I am learning that life includes suffering, which God calls us into and blesses us in the midst of, simply with the gift of himself. I am hearing the truth preached and it's so applicable to my everyday struggles. I am realizing that life is not my own - it's not about me - and the calling from Jesus everyday is to live missionally and not out of my circumstances. Christ is a rock; I am not. There is no good in me except that for which God gives me out of his merciful grace. I cannot take credit for my faith because it's a gift from God. There is a focus on the person and work of Jesus that is causing me to see my life in terms of his. This worldview shift is huge - all of life flows from the lens in which I look. The question is, what is creating that lens?

I am a messed up sinner with no hope apart from Christ. Maybe that sounds depressing to you, but to me it sounds like freedom. I'm not good enough - even my good deeds are filthy rags in the eyes of God (Isaiah 64:4) - but Jesus has already covered me. Shifting my focus to Jesus and away from self is helping me to overcome sin that has been entrenched in my life for decades and for generations in my family.

We heard from the word and the book of Phillipians in the fall. These words of Paul's keep ringing in my ears: "to live is Christ, to die is gain".

In the end, all we need is Jesus.

i made up a word for this post...

i've been mulling on the concept of repentance and what that looks like in my life.

let me just say this first: our god is mindblowingly faithful.

i've been reading a lot of spurgeon lately as i've previously shared. reading through his works on his "experiences after conversion", this sentence struck me and i've been chewing on it pretty much non-stop:

"I have found, in my own spiritual life, that the more rules I lay down for myself, the more sins I committ."

i couldn't have said it better myself. i feel like spurgeon had the exact same thought as i'm having - some 150 years earlier. i read that sentence and actually got excited - not because the message is great in an upbeat, pumped for life kind of way, but because i can relate exponentially. i'm a rule maker and list follower - at times i have lists of my "to do" lists - and there's some great structure that's found in these tendencies i have to organization, but there's a lot of potential for legalism, defeat, condemnation and further sin. one stumble into sin often perpetuates a slide into another.

which leads to repentance. today i realized that i kind of have categories for the sins i struggle with - and when i give into sin it's almost like i put it into a category in my mind and repent of that particular sin, praying i will not stumble with that one again - that i will turn from it. but really, i think those categories are "man-made" structures i've erected in my mind; my repentance is not to be categorical, purposed to work in one area independently. rather, my repentance in a moment or time of sin struggle is to move me away from that moment, action, thought, etc so that the rest of the day i'm moving back towards christ with him as my pursuit... my heart is changing and inclining closer and deeper into him.

it's not about behaviour modification. or cleaning up categories of my life. or struggles on an individual basis.

it's about my heart. that deceitful place. that wellspring of life. such a paradoxical concept.

repentance that is purposed to clean up an area of my behaviour only perpetuates the cycle of sin in my life - because repentance is about heart - not action!

my doing flows out of my being. repentance is about my being, not my doing.

our god is mindblowingly faithful.

i'm still mulling it over... and open for thoughts

t-r-u-s-t

then abraham waited patiently and he received what god had promised.

hebrews 6:15

i've been mulling over this verse for the past few weeks. it's propped up on my nightstand so i can read it whenever my eye happens to catch it. i noticed tonite as i read it that i'm not sure if i've been really getting what it says. i've been reading it and telling myself, 'be patient and wait on the lord for your hearts desire', but that's in actuality not the message. because gods promises are true, they're real, they're for my good, not to harm me, but to continue the good work he started in me.

what the verse doesn't say is, "then abraham waited patiently and he received what god knew he wanted and because he's good and true would therefore give to him". nuh uhh. that's not the message.

how often do i read my bible, gleaning and glancing and skimming for the words i want to hear?

when i wait patiently, i receive what god has for me. not what i think is good for me. not what i have planned for myself.

cause god knows what is best. he is trustworthy.

the question is, then, do i trust him?

insomniatic idiosyncrasy

it's almost 2 am. i can't sleep. obviously. i'm like the queen of rhetorical statements. i think that's a paradox. since i'm devoid of slumber i'm slightly ridiculous. but that's okay. someone who's also ridiculous but in the best way possible and in a way i'd like to be: Charles Haddon Spurgeon. that guy is a dude and a half. here's an excerpt from his autobiographical works i've been mulling over as late:

~
finally, i bear my witness that he is full of truth. true have his promises been; not one has failed. i have often doubted him - for that i blush. he has never failed me; in this i must rejoice. his promises have been yea and amen. i do but speak the testimony of every believer in christ, though i put it thus personally to make it the more forcible. i bear witness that never servant had such a master as i have; never a brother had such a kinsman as he has been to me; never a spouse had such a husband as christ has been to my soul; never a sinner a better savior; never a solider a better captain; never a mourner a better comforter than christ has been to my spirit. i want none beside him. in life, he is my life, and in death, he shall be the death of death. in poverty, christ is my riches. in sickness, he makes my bed. in darkness, he is my star. and in brightness, he is my sun. by faith i understand that the blessed son of god redeemed my soul with his own heart's blood, and by sweet experience i know that he raised me up from the pit of dark despair and set my feet on the rock. he died for me. this is the root of every satisfaction i have. he put all my transgressions away. he cleansed me with his precious blood; he covered me with his perfect righteousness; he wrapped me up in his own virtues. he has promised to keep me, while i abide in this world, from its temptations and snares. and when i depart from this world, he has already prepared for me a mansion in the heaven of unfading bliss, and a crown of everlasting joy that shall never, never fade away. to me, then, the days or years of my mortal sojourn on this earth are of little moment. nor is the manner of my decease of much consequence. should foemen sentence me to martyrdom or physicians declare that i must soon depart this life, it is all alike.

what more can i wish than that, while my brief term on earth shall last, i should be the servant of him who became the servant of servants for me?
~

what a guy, what a guy. i want to desire and know my lord with the same vehemence of that of the brother spurgeon.

waking up

well now, more than 2 months later. i'm back. a few things have changed. school's done (praise the lord), i've increased a number on the year counter (yep, had a bday) and i was MIA from the blogging world for a while... (among many other things).

i think i'm probably blogging today because i woke up today. not literally. i mean, ya, literally. i've been getting up every morning since march 4th (that's the last day i blogged). but today was a different kind of wake up. one of those ones akin to an epiphany whereby it's not the literal opening of the eyes after a night of slumber, but the wakening of the heart (soul?) to a realization.

really, i have been waking up each day - but i've been terribly off course as of late in my rising. see, tonite i was reminded of the basics of life. really, the one basic. the only one that matters. the basic question of "who am i living for today?"... out of that one flows a myriad of questions: is the purpose of my life today for the glory of god or the worship of self? am i going to use today to further the gospel in my life and in the life of others? am i living out of the humble, confident, joy that the gospel graciously allows me to?

we talked about the gospel: what is it? what does it mean? such basic questions. such profound applications. if the fact that jesus came, lived a perfect life - the life we were supposed to live - and did so without sin, then not only died on the cross but rose again, enduring complete separation from the one source of goodness we have on earth in our Father God, and then defeated that sin for us by rising from the dead... if that fact impacts my mind, heart and hands on a daily level... everything changes.

so i've been waking up lately, but the gospel has not been the focus of my heart. in compete honesty... ... my heart has been focused on what Chelsa wants. what's my life lacking? why don't i have it? where am i going to get it? how can i manipulate this situation? this is starting to look a lot like my last posting where by the dog gave me an illustration of the selfishness of my life... guess i just didn't quite get it.

i've been off in left field pursuing the world, so distracted from the one thing worth living for - the one thing that will completely satisfy and answer the questions of my heart.

while today has been hard, full of tears and questions, i'm so thankful that something in me broke. that i woke up after months of thinking i'm fine. here it is again... i'm not!

i am increasingly discovering and realizing the depths of my sinfulness; but as i see this in myself i am also increasing in my realization of how great God's holiness is. and that's the gospel - filling in the gap is the grace that jesus' death provides. he is SO faithful. he is SO good. he never gets too busy to love us. he never stops being full of grace. he is always GOD.

my faith is something i cannot take credit for. it's a gift. so glad i woke up today.

i know how i'm going to choose to wake up tomorrow.

lessons from the pooch

the dog and i have been spending a lot of time together lately. it's mainly because i'm her sole caregiver in the absence of my parents, rather than because i have some increased affinity for the beast. i don't. she drives me crazy in so many ways. i would choose the cat over the dog any day, without hesitation! yes, the cat is a diva, but she's incredibly more self sufficient.

i decided it would be good for both the dog and i if we went for a few walks/runs in the absence of her regular walk with my mom. when i got home from school on monday, tia was there, waiting with great anticipation as usual. i think this is the part where most people get warm fuzzies towards man's best friend. for me, it begins the "no bark" game as the great pooch won't shut up! it doesn't even matter that we're not even really friends, she can't hold herself back!

so the dog begins the usual charade: whining, hollering, howling, moaning, barking, baying... u name it. the pathetic pooch is making a scene and a half. just because someone arrived home and her long list of needs were about to be met. it's almost as though i could hear her brain flitting back and forth between thoughts... through her barking, this is what i heard:

ME ME ME ME ME ME!!
pay attention to me!
look at me!
touch me!
pet me!
i wanna walk!
i want a treat!
when are we going for a walk?
pet me!
love me!
ME ME ME ME ME!!

i rolled my eyes and desperately wished i could just tell her to shut up and hold on for 2 seconds... a walk was just around the corner with all the needed amenities - bathroom break, treats, pets, etc. how could it get that through to her thick, doggy-brained skull?

and then it struck me.

i'm just like the dog.

how often am i pleading with god... please Lord, take this from me? when is this going to happen? when will this change? why is this, that or the other thing happening? can't you just DO something? i want to be here... i want to be there. ME ME ME ME ME!!!

YIKES - i'm just like the dog!!!

god knows what's around the corner for my life. and it's for my good. and his glory.

the parallel just about ends there. in no way, shape or form could this analogy cover the DEPTH and BREADTH of what god has for us... nor the scope of his goodness. i walked the dog out of a sense of duty. god loves us because he made us, he delights in us, we're his children and his plans for us are good. thank jesus for his redeeming work on the cross and the perspective his life gives ours; this whole joy in the circumstances thing is really kicking me in the butt this year!

the dog's whining again... i guess it's time for another walk. :D

lessons from the dancin' guy

if you haven't seen this video on how to create momentum in leadership... you should probably watch this!

go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW8amMCVAJQ

you will not be disappointed!