t-r-u-s-t

then abraham waited patiently and he received what god had promised.

hebrews 6:15

i've been mulling over this verse for the past few weeks. it's propped up on my nightstand so i can read it whenever my eye happens to catch it. i noticed tonite as i read it that i'm not sure if i've been really getting what it says. i've been reading it and telling myself, 'be patient and wait on the lord for your hearts desire', but that's in actuality not the message. because gods promises are true, they're real, they're for my good, not to harm me, but to continue the good work he started in me.

what the verse doesn't say is, "then abraham waited patiently and he received what god knew he wanted and because he's good and true would therefore give to him". nuh uhh. that's not the message.

how often do i read my bible, gleaning and glancing and skimming for the words i want to hear?

when i wait patiently, i receive what god has for me. not what i think is good for me. not what i have planned for myself.

cause god knows what is best. he is trustworthy.

the question is, then, do i trust him?

insomniatic idiosyncrasy

it's almost 2 am. i can't sleep. obviously. i'm like the queen of rhetorical statements. i think that's a paradox. since i'm devoid of slumber i'm slightly ridiculous. but that's okay. someone who's also ridiculous but in the best way possible and in a way i'd like to be: Charles Haddon Spurgeon. that guy is a dude and a half. here's an excerpt from his autobiographical works i've been mulling over as late:

~
finally, i bear my witness that he is full of truth. true have his promises been; not one has failed. i have often doubted him - for that i blush. he has never failed me; in this i must rejoice. his promises have been yea and amen. i do but speak the testimony of every believer in christ, though i put it thus personally to make it the more forcible. i bear witness that never servant had such a master as i have; never a brother had such a kinsman as he has been to me; never a spouse had such a husband as christ has been to my soul; never a sinner a better savior; never a solider a better captain; never a mourner a better comforter than christ has been to my spirit. i want none beside him. in life, he is my life, and in death, he shall be the death of death. in poverty, christ is my riches. in sickness, he makes my bed. in darkness, he is my star. and in brightness, he is my sun. by faith i understand that the blessed son of god redeemed my soul with his own heart's blood, and by sweet experience i know that he raised me up from the pit of dark despair and set my feet on the rock. he died for me. this is the root of every satisfaction i have. he put all my transgressions away. he cleansed me with his precious blood; he covered me with his perfect righteousness; he wrapped me up in his own virtues. he has promised to keep me, while i abide in this world, from its temptations and snares. and when i depart from this world, he has already prepared for me a mansion in the heaven of unfading bliss, and a crown of everlasting joy that shall never, never fade away. to me, then, the days or years of my mortal sojourn on this earth are of little moment. nor is the manner of my decease of much consequence. should foemen sentence me to martyrdom or physicians declare that i must soon depart this life, it is all alike.

what more can i wish than that, while my brief term on earth shall last, i should be the servant of him who became the servant of servants for me?
~

what a guy, what a guy. i want to desire and know my lord with the same vehemence of that of the brother spurgeon.

waking up

well now, more than 2 months later. i'm back. a few things have changed. school's done (praise the lord), i've increased a number on the year counter (yep, had a bday) and i was MIA from the blogging world for a while... (among many other things).

i think i'm probably blogging today because i woke up today. not literally. i mean, ya, literally. i've been getting up every morning since march 4th (that's the last day i blogged). but today was a different kind of wake up. one of those ones akin to an epiphany whereby it's not the literal opening of the eyes after a night of slumber, but the wakening of the heart (soul?) to a realization.

really, i have been waking up each day - but i've been terribly off course as of late in my rising. see, tonite i was reminded of the basics of life. really, the one basic. the only one that matters. the basic question of "who am i living for today?"... out of that one flows a myriad of questions: is the purpose of my life today for the glory of god or the worship of self? am i going to use today to further the gospel in my life and in the life of others? am i living out of the humble, confident, joy that the gospel graciously allows me to?

we talked about the gospel: what is it? what does it mean? such basic questions. such profound applications. if the fact that jesus came, lived a perfect life - the life we were supposed to live - and did so without sin, then not only died on the cross but rose again, enduring complete separation from the one source of goodness we have on earth in our Father God, and then defeated that sin for us by rising from the dead... if that fact impacts my mind, heart and hands on a daily level... everything changes.

so i've been waking up lately, but the gospel has not been the focus of my heart. in compete honesty... ... my heart has been focused on what Chelsa wants. what's my life lacking? why don't i have it? where am i going to get it? how can i manipulate this situation? this is starting to look a lot like my last posting where by the dog gave me an illustration of the selfishness of my life... guess i just didn't quite get it.

i've been off in left field pursuing the world, so distracted from the one thing worth living for - the one thing that will completely satisfy and answer the questions of my heart.

while today has been hard, full of tears and questions, i'm so thankful that something in me broke. that i woke up after months of thinking i'm fine. here it is again... i'm not!

i am increasingly discovering and realizing the depths of my sinfulness; but as i see this in myself i am also increasing in my realization of how great God's holiness is. and that's the gospel - filling in the gap is the grace that jesus' death provides. he is SO faithful. he is SO good. he never gets too busy to love us. he never stops being full of grace. he is always GOD.

my faith is something i cannot take credit for. it's a gift. so glad i woke up today.

i know how i'm going to choose to wake up tomorrow.