brokenness, an epiphany

last night i had an epiphany. a good one. one that's maybe been a really long time coming.

yesterday i turned 25.

that's not the epiphany. but it's part of it. see, birthdays to me are a big deal. but this year was a hard birthday because i was felt more alone than i ever have. it was my first bday away from home and therefore the people that know me best were not around to make my day the awesome day it usually is. it was an ordinary day, with some disappointing rainchecks, a hard off-ice training session containing completely hockey-unrelated exercises, and just an uber-normalesque day. i think these, combined with the low after a great weekend,plus the emotional state i was in, left me feeling nothing but broken.

i got home from practice and cried in bed for quite a while. soon i let the rational thought switch turn on and wondered at my state. i was feeling the intense emptiness of being alone on such a big day and feelings are totally legit. but i was quivering on the edge of letting myself feel unloved. it was time to put the F train to work: fact, faith then feelings. at that point i stopped and opened my bible. it was time for some truth.

now some of you might be wondering at my mental/emotional state, that i would cry over a bday. it's not like i'm 16 or something. but those of you who have lived overseas, far away from home, from normalcy, from your support system, probably know that what i'm talking about is really not that crazy. being in the midst of this whole situation is sometimes just really hard.

so what did i learn last night? here are words of truth that spoke to my heart:

"So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will surely respond to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes."
Isaiah 30:18-19

people are going to let me down. i'm going to have times where i feel unloved - whether that's true or not. but last night in my brokennes and in god's goodness he taught me this:

if no one ever loves me and if everyone i know lets me down, he'll still love me and he'll still be the same kind and loving god he is.

and that's good enough for me.

here's to 25 years and one amazing Father.