sick on a corner

i wish our eyes had never met.

 most often my posts revolve love from my Father, heartbreak from a guy, contemplations on ideas or adventures overseas... but tonight, i only wish that what is in my mind was the hypothetical. i'm filled with disgust instead at a reality that most surely exists.

we stood on the corner as he dropped her off. she got out of the old, decaying van with that old, whitened man and re-adjusted her boots and her jacket. her face was blank, lifeless, unfeeling; a person, but maybe just a shell. that's why we were there, to help and pray for souls like hers, but thinking about HIS. no. i wanted to exact revenge, to put him through what he put her through. but really, i didn't. i don't. i wouldn't want to go anywhere near him.

predator. we glamourize films, and love and lust and pleasure and porn. anything goes in our day and age. and we wonder why families are broken, children abused and neglected, and babies are aborted. how can we really be surprised that the attractive looking sex of films we see doesn't exist; in reality control, power, perversion, abuse, and violation are the real-life version. we are deceived.

he drove away menacingly, staring unwaveringly at us. i met his eyes. i wish i hadn't. he's sick. his mind is corrupted to the sickest degree by the perversion and lust of the flesh. he's a victim to his own desires. we condemn this, but we don't condemn that. reality versus illusion. a gross exterior versus the lies of fading vanity. if it's in a nice package, in the privacy of your home, not hurting anyone, it's okay. lust hurts EVERYONE.

he took a piece of her with him tonight, that she'll never get back. she gave him that part, at least, she gave him a faction of the person inside her shell. does he know that he'll have AIDS from his pleasured-pursuit? does he care about her little boy, so precious and innocent? i know him. i know that little boy. she'll never get to have him. her reality is that it's all almost over. i feel disgust at him.

he's a predator, he's sick. he's encouraged to be both by our society.

 and yet god still loves him.

mind = blown

2011: ouch

my mind is swirling with thoughts, feelings, regrets, fears, contemplations. 2011 is almost over. i'm so thankful, today, that it is. this has been a super difficult year but it's also been very rich with learning, knowing myself more and discovering more of what it means to follow jesus.

last sunday murray preached about the difference between joy and happiness. i always like to say that joy is a choice and happiness is a feeling. sometimes i get too caught up in the feelings of life.

joy is based on god, it's in our hearts, it's from god, it's deeper than emotion and the root of joy is jesus.

happiness is based on circumstances, it's in our minds, it comes from man and it's as shallow as emotion.

james 1 says it's the testing of our faith that produces steadfastness. if you lack wisdom, ask god and he will give generously to you. i've been praying this year that god would grow my faith and specifically that he would produce patience in me.

yesterday oswald chambers wrote that as we pray for patience, god allows suffering in our lives so that we will indeed have that chance to grow. this super difficult year has been a gift from god. a gift.



that changes everything. it's based on god, it's in my heart, it's from god and it's deeper than human emotion. what does that sound like?

JOY

i've become more patient, more trusting in my lord, more steadfast in my faith and i have been blessed this year with trials, suffering and heartbreak.

i choose joy. and thankfulness.

he loved me enough to accept me as i was in december 2010; but he also loved me enough not to leave me there. i'm a different girl in december 2011.

i pray it's for his glory.

midnight moon

the moon's luminescent as i gaze to the stars
i think to myself that the sun must be bright
on the other side of the world,
to bring that great light.

is it that same bright moon
that will shine upon your face
crunching through the snow,
i know its only by his grace.

when you look up to the moon
do you know the father's love
the snow beneath your feet,
a symbol of the dove.

washed clean and ever pure
regardless of the act
the things done in our sin
that would break any human pact.

but we live by the father,
he dictates what's our kingdom.

he reigns in the stars,
if we'd only look above
we'd see the moon, his glory,
and know the father's love.

light always wins through darkness
it cuts right through to the core.
even if you try to hide
you'll love HIM more than before.

a random poem. thankful for the moon, and contemplation, on a midnight walk.

this is day 17.

i don't even know what day this is...

tonight i'm thankful that i'm not good enough... which means i can stop trying.

tonight i'm thankful that jesus IS good enough.

there are only two categories of people: perfect and sinful.

trying to be in the perfect camp sucks. cause you never win. you never get there. you never achieve perfection.

admitting you're sinful. HARD. but good.

getting off the performance treadmill. HARDER.

i must become what i already am in christ.

thankfulness... slow and steady

a quick, 3am thank you to jesus for the body of christ. praise him for unity, grace and the interconnectedness of the lives of his people! in our city, the christian climate can often be one of cutthroat competition (ridiculous) and carelessness towards other congregations... but we are all, together, the body of christ.

tonight on the love bus, i felt what i feel like is a small piece of the joy that awaits us in heaven where we are freed from sin and, finally, truly unified. no doctrinal disputes or conservative conundrums, no emerging this and beware of that... just free, unadulterated worship to our father. the love bus was an awesome experience tonight. people from 4 different representative bodies from the city of regina came to love on the people and worship the lord; in doing so, they loved on each other.

there are some amazing hearts for jesus in this city! i am blown away by the selflessness of those who give their late night hours on the love bus to serve others. we had some amazing conversations with people who came on the bus tonight, from suicides and abortions to kids taken away and broken marriages.

i'm often reminded that issues never come in a certain package. we've all got them. it doesn't matter if you shower once a week or once a day, you're human, flawed and in need of a savior.

i'm really thankful tonight for people who love jesus in this city and are obedient to play their part, the part god has given them to play at this particular moment in time. for his glory.

so the last week i'm going to call a day (i can do that, right? i mean, it's my blog, after all!)... maybe i should make this 30 entries thankful, rather than 30 days thankful!

anyways, i'm going to call the last week a day and say that i am incredibly thankful for my relationship with jesus. he is the rock that is higher than i. he is unchanging, never failing, full of love... sacrificial, caring, genuine, real... he gave his life for me. i honestly don't know where i'd be or how i'd be able to function without him.

it's a weird thing to ponder... why do i love jesus? it seems so sunday school... "because he died on the cross for me"... but it's literally that simple. he died on the cross for me because i'm separated by my sin from god. god is full of love, yes, but he's also just. and in his justice, he cannot tolerate sin. but jesus' life, death and resurrection can pay the penalty on my behalf.

it's so much more though... it's a daily life of relationship, it's a walk, a journey. unlike our fellow man, jesus never fails us. he never stops loving, he's always perfect, he never lets us down. he's an incredible friend, brother and god. he is worthy of all of our hearts and the depths of our souls. we can trust him with everything. the more i know him, the more i love him. the more i love him, the more i trust him.

through christ, we are disciplined by the father because he loves us. uggh, discipline is hard. but it produces a harvest! it grows our character... it creates in us avenues to be like christ that would never be there apart from him.

life is hard sometimes. life is hard. but i trust jesus. i love him.

this week i'm thankful for jesus... the author and perfector of our faith. faith... a gift. unmerited, yet freely given.

faith... grace... jesus.

incredible gifts.

thank you, father!

day 13

somehow i put day 9 as day 12 below... not sure what happened there.

anyways... today was a tough day to be thankful. i just wasn't feelin it!

but, as always, the lord is good and showed up in unexpected ways.

i'm especially grateful for the way the lord creates community and the fellowship that takes places over a good meal. i had a great meal tonight and it was a most unexpected invitation, but one that i'm very grateful for! i love my community and the wonderful people that continually shower me with love and god's blessing.

i even ate a whole piece of steak! and it was delish!

thanks, r & c. :)